Forgiveness.

Various events over the past few years have caused me to think a lot on the nature of forgiveness.  My best friend abandoned me in a time of need. There have been various family falling-outs since then that it’s hard for me to get past.  I’ve been working through my trust issues while in a long-term relationship, which is a lot harder than romantic comedies make it seem.

Forgiveness, to me, is the simple act of moving on from an act of hurt and ceasing to harbor resentment.

Forgiveness, to me, cannot be truly granted until a person stops learning from that hurt.

The difficult part is understanding when  you’re only harboring anger, and have nothing left to learn from the topic.

Trust is a difficult thing for me.

The events that surrounded me when I started this blog made sure of that.  After all, my entire nuclear family collapsed in the span of a week.  My parents announced their divorce, my best friend informed me that he no longer had a use for me, and my aunts– who I’d called my second parents in high school–  took him in, effectively (if temporarily) severing our relationship.

That shit takes its toll on a person.  But it’s been over a year.  I’ve changed due to those experiences, and for the better.

I know that I want to be the type of person who made the mistakes that I made: I would rather be trusting than cynical, and I’d make the mistake again of trusting someone to be a friend.   I would rather risk a broken heart than shut out friendships.  I would rather have boundaries than get sucked into interpersonal drama: I love my parents dearly but refuse to be their mediator.  I will no longer put up with toxic people: meaning I will not make the mistake of being friend to someone who cannot put as much heart and soul into the friendship as I do.

These are good lessons.  They help to shape me into the person I want to be– and to my surprise, I’m rapidly becoming that person.  So what else do I have to learn?

At what point do you stop learning and start just resenting? Being angry? Holding onto your hurt because you don’t want to grant the other person forgiveness, even though they’re never actually going to be aware of your choice?

I don’t really have the answers yet.  I’m still learning.  I’m still figuring this out.  I can say this: I’m not there yet.  The fact that it’s got me thinking about the matter shows that I do, in fact, still have things to learn.

But I want to be the person who knows when it is over, and when to move on.

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